An interesting way of looking at difficult behaviour is a fascinating theory I discovered in The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield.
There are many interesting ideas in this book, but one that particularly caught my attention is the concept of the four control dramas.
Redfield describes ways in which people attempt to gain energy and attention from each other through certain patterns of behaviour. He calls these patterns control dramas.
There are four: The Intimidator, The Interrogator, The Aloof, and Poor Me.
Once you begin recognising these patterns, you may start noticing them not only in other people, but also in yourself and in your relationships.
The Intimidator
The Intimidator attempts to gain energy by dominating other people and making them feel inferior.
This can happen through physical aggression, verbal aggression, anger, threats, criticism or simply creating an atmosphere in which other people feel uncomfortable or afraid.
The Intimidator becomes bigger by making someone else feel smaller.
The other person may begin withdrawing, becoming quiet or carefully choosing their words to avoid another confrontation.
This is similar to aggressive behaviour, but when we look at it as a control drama, we can also ask:
What is this person trying to receive from the interaction?
Perhaps attention, control, importance or simply a feeling of power.
The Interrogator
The Interrogator attempts to gain energy through constant questioning, criticism and finding faults.
The questions may appear innocent, but underneath them can be an attempt to make the other person doubt themselves.
For example:
“Have you thought about going on a diet?”
“Why don’t you do that differently?”
“Why are you so hopeless?”
“Come on, TALK to me!”
Or:
“You know why that happened, don’t you?”
Whatever answer you give may be challenged:
“Oh no, no, no. You’ve completely missed the point.”
Gradually, the person being questioned may begin defending themselves, explaining themselves or trying to prove that they are good enough.
And now the Interrogator has your complete attention.
That is the control drama.
The Aloof
The Aloof is often a response to an Interrogator parent, partner or another person who constantly demands answers.
The Aloof deals with people by becoming distant and hiding what they really think or feel.
They may refuse to answer completely or respond evasively with short, non-committal answers such as:
“Maybe.”
“I don’t know.”
“We’ll see.”
They may also drop vague hints without explaining themselves.
Naturally, the other person begins asking more questions:
What’s wrong?
What are you thinking?
Why won’t you talk to me?
And something interesting happens.
The more Aloof one person becomes, the more the other person interrogates.
And the more the Interrogator questions, the more the Aloof withdraws.
The two control dramas begin feeding each other.
The Aloof encourages the Interrogator, and the Interrogator encourages the Aloof.
Eventually, both people may feel exhausted, misunderstood and convinced that the other person is causing the problem.
Poor Me
Poor Me takes the position of the victim.
Life is unfair. Nobody understands them. Other people constantly disappoint them.
Instead of intimidating or interrogating, Poor Me may use guilt or pity to influence another person’s behaviour.
For example:
“It’s fine. I’ll just carry on. I’m used to doing everything by myself.”
Or:
“After everything I’ve done for you, you let me down like this.”
Or:
“How can you do this to me? Don’t you see what you’ve done?”
The message underneath is:
You are responsible for how I feel.
The other person may then feel guilty and begin giving attention, reassurance or energy to Poor Me.
Again, the control drama has achieved its purpose.
How the Four Control Dramas Feed Each Other
One of the most interesting parts of the four control dramas is that they don’t necessarily exist independently.
One person’s behaviour can trigger another person’s control drama.
An Intimidator may create a Poor Me.
An Interrogator may create an Aloof.
An Aloof may cause someone to become increasingly Interrogating.
And Poor Me’s guilt and emotional pressure may eventually provoke aggression or withdrawal from another person.
This is how relationships can become trapped in repeating patterns.
Both people believe they are simply reacting to the other person.
But neither may realise that they are participating in the same cycle.
Which Control Drama Do You Use?
This is where the idea becomes useful.
Rather than immediately asking:
“Who in my life is an Intimidator, Interrogator, Aloof or Poor Me?”
first ask:
“Which one do I use?”
Do you intimidate when you feel powerless?
Do you interrogate when you feel insecure?
Do you withdraw and become Aloof when someone gets too close?
Do you become Poor Me when you want somebody to give you attention or change their behaviour?
And then ask another important question:
What behaviour does my control drama bring out in other people?
This requires honesty.
It is very easy to recognise manipulation in someone else.
It is much more difficult to recognise the subtle ways in which we ourselves try to control another person’s energy, attention and behaviour.
How to Step Out of the Control Drama
From my spiritual perspective, the deeper way to end this constant exchange of taking and giving energy is to reconnect with the true Source of energy — the Creator.
When we have our own inner connection, we don’t need to constantly obtain energy, attention or validation from another person.
But this requires something very important:
honesty and sincerity.
We have to become honest about our own behaviour.
Instead of saying:
“Look what they are doing to me.”
we can begin asking:
“What am I doing in this interaction?”
Recognise the behaviour.
Name it.
Don’t justify it.
Don’t blame yourself for it either.
Simply see it clearly.
When we become sincere enough to recognise our own control dramas, we create the possibility of stepping out of them.
And when we reconnect with the deeper Source within us, we no longer need another person to constantly supply the energy that we believe we are missing.
Awareness breaks the drama.
Sincerity allows us to see it.
Connection with the Creator allows us to stop needing it.